Reliance on Others

One of the things I can't do thanks to my MS is to fill the bird-feeders. I still very much enjoy watching all of the birds come to the feeders which are outside our kitchen windows. Joe has even positioned the feeders so I can see them from my new desk location. But filling the feeders and buying the birdseed is another job now taken without complaint by my wonderful husband Joe.

This morning I questioned the content of the feeders. I was trying to be an advocate for the birds when I noticed that some birds were not using their "normal" feeder. I probably should have stopped asking about things when he started his first answer with a short sigh.

"The new seed has sunflower seed in it. I thought it was the same as the old mix I used to buy but just in a larger bag. But this one has seeds that none of the birds are eating." Instead of stopping with that I went on to ask more about that seed, including bringing up a website to show him photos of different seeds. After a few of the questions he simply stopped answering, went out to the feeder, and brought back a few of the seeds in question. I was a bit embarrassed knowing that I had pressed a little to hard.

But problem solved!  While he was busy around the house getting ready to run all of the Saturday errands that now also have fallen into his lap, I identified the seed as wheat and found out that it is sometimes included in mixes as a filler but birds don't eat it. Just as he was hurrying out the door I explained the solution in the future would be to read the bag label and make sure there was no wheat.

Whew!  I was sure glad I fixed THAT problem!

Well, maybe it did help Joe. But with everything else he has to now do I'm sure he didn't need my questions and commentary as I talked through each step of finding the solution.

He's left on his trip of errands, many for me. And I felt the need to write this blog entry.

I so rely on others, especially Joe, to do things that I used to take for granted. The number of things I can no longer do for myself include the very biggie - I can no longer drive. I can't do things that require two hands when there is nothing firm to lean against. And more.

As I've said before in my blogs, I am so very blessed to have incredible husband, family and friends that have done many of these things for me, especially driving me places. I could never tell them enough how thankful I am for all of their time and effort.

But there is still that huge part of me that would like to solve the problem for myself. Instead of just asking Joe if there was anything I could do to help, I tried to make him follow the steps I would have done if I was able to continue to buy the seed and fill the feeders myself.

And yes, there are those times when Joe will step in to do something and I reply in irritation "I can DO this MYSELF!" Fortunately for me, most of the time I can but Joe has already caught a glimpse of a future when I won't be able to.

Heavily relying on others is something I am now required to do and I can't begin to tell everyone that helps how I'm almost brought to tears with gratitude. But they may not realize that a tiny portion of those tears are for the realization that although I would like to do it myself, I can't.