I Don't Have the Answers -- But I know it is not MORE HATE

Of course I watch and read the news -- terrorism, war, urban shootings and all kinds of violence. It makes me feel horrible. I really wish we could find wise people who would seriously consider solutions. I know I don't have solutions.

But I do know one very important thing -- the right solutions will not be based upon HATE!

I'm not naive. I know that bad and violent people have to be stopped. But apparently we haven't learned that hatred and violence are taught. And those that are hopeless and frightened are the most susceptible to those teachings.

Even here, in a land of supposed freedom and opportunity, those that espouse hatred and violence are the ones that view things around them as hopeless or frightening. And of course there are more than a few who know that kindling that hatred creates followers of those that are looking for ways to cure their hopelessness and fright.

What's the difference between a gang leader who builds his gang by claiming that violence to their enemies and suppressors will lead to riches and acceptance... and a politician who claims that hatred, war and  prejudice are the keys to our country's future? Both are building their egos and fortunes on the backs of those looking for easy solutions.

When does building walls and weapons actually really make us safer?  Instead of adding more anger and perseverance to those who have been kept outside?  This creates two kind of haters. Both then turn to leaders.

Some of those leaders will promise to build stronger walls and weapons. They tell the frightened people inside that they are safer and therefore superior to those outside.

But there are other leaders on the other side of those walls who whip up the fright, hopelessness and anger there to find ways to break down those walls. build even stronger weapons, and to use any subterfuge necessary to disrupt the lives of those who feel so blissfully safe and superior inside.

Hasn't history taught us that the truly intelligent share resources and education? Opening up minds and hearts to different ideas improves all and forms a much stronger base for the future.

Hate is never overcome by more hate. If people worked together on solutions that actually improve the lives of the hopeless, wouldn't that make it easier to overcome the evil and haters?

My View of the Soul

I'm really not sure if I read this somewhere or if the idea just came to me. I know I had read that the density of a black hole is infinite. I read it described as the density of the star that had become the black hole had been compressed into almost nothing.

If you really knew me you'd know that my brain constantly takes one idea and runs away with it. Well, somewhere along the path it took after reading about the black hole I came to this thought and the more I stayed and rattled this around my brain it made more and more sense.

What if the soul was just a piece of energy?
 
What if when we die this single bit of energy is release from our bodies? And .....

Does what?  Goes where?

My first thoughts were very dark and negative. I recalled the notion that when we die we become a new star in the sky. That idea just didn't seem right. But what if our piece of energy was trapped after our death. Even it became part of a star, if that star burst into the nothingness of a black hole could the soul's energy be trapped forever? That this could be the hell to which a soul could be damned seemed like it could be true.

But...

What if the soul of a good and deserving person simply was free to do what it wanted and needed? Could it then be anywhere? Be aware of everything? How incredible and wondrous that would be! A real heaven!

And what if it could then pull other bits of this same energy together? Work together so to speak. To provide a type of presence. Would that be the warmth I know I feel when I ask for help and comfort from loved ones who have died?

Once this thought came to me I was immediately peaceful and yet almost elated at the idea. It seemed to answer so much, as least for me.

Although I still feel awkward speaking about and explaining this idea, I have been trying to convey it to people I know. Especially to those that have been through a great loss of a loved one. Or in times like today when many of us are mourning a great tragedy.

I am hoping that I can give the comfort to others that this idea now gives to me.

Would you still for for an idiot if he/she ran for your party?

This looked like the voting machine I used to cast my first presidential election ballot in 1972. The voting age had been lowered to 18 and our polling place was in the next block in a neighbor's garage. My mother was a Republican election judge.

When I walked in and signed the roll she proudly introduced me to the other judges as her daughter who was about to cast her first presidential ballot. She took me to a machine and explained how to use it. I walked up to the booth and pulled that red handle to close the curtain behind me so I could cast my secret ballot.

Inside I read the names and carefully flipped the switches for the candidates I chose. I had been sure to read what I could about the major candidates which at that time meant that I watched the evening news and read the Chicago Tribune which was my parent's paper of choice.

When I was finished I moved the red handle back, my vote was locked in and the curtains reopened. I walked out of the garage / polling place.

But my mother quickly followed. "What took you so long?"
ME: "I was voting"
Mom: "That should have been fast. You should have just flipped the switch to vote all Republican"
ME: "But I didn't want to vote all Republican"

This was followed by an argument where we both used the obvious punches - You cancelled out mine or your father's vote. - Maybe 18 year olds are too young to vote - and others.

Somewhere in there I said "How can you possibly just vote for Republicans? Are there any other Democrats who would be better for the job?"

And after all of the introduction, that is the question for this blog. Would someone now really vote for everyone from one party on a ballot? And what if any one of those candidates was an idiot? Wouldn't that matter?

I liked to believe that my generation learned better than to follow anyone or anything blindly without question. We were the Vietnam generation. We learned that government could get it wrong. Even though that particular 1972 election re-elected a Republican as president we later learned that Nixon was a liar and a cheat.

And then my generation passed our desire to make informed decisions rather than blind loyalty down to our children. Our son, Phil, called me from his cell phone in 2000. "Mom, I had to call you. I just voted for President for the very first time. It was awesome." I know he was a history and politics buff but I honestly didn't think his feelings were that unusual for a first time voter. I mean we taught these kids well, didn't we?

We all had a good laugh at dinner that night when we finally revealed to each other how we had voted. I voted for Gore. Joe voted for Bush and Phil voted for Nader. Phil knew Nader couldn't win. But in his opinion Nader was the best candidate for president and Phil showed it with his vote. Joe gloated that Phil's vote was probably more of a negative for Gore than Bush which by the very next day and for months later the nation became acutely aware of. But for us it was just right. None of us voted exclusively Republican, Democrat or Green. We each had read what we could and voted for the candidates we felt would best fill the job.

So...

WHAT HAPPENED?

Why does it seem now that people want you to vote for an entire party? Are ALL of the candidates from any particular party better that ANY of the candidates from the other? Does that mean that voters should no longer read all that they can about each candidate and individually decide who would perform best in that office?

Even if a candidate was an idiot?

Celebrating is not only OK, it's Required!

Once my mom told me "Don't be too happy about good things. That will only give you further to fall when something bad happens."

OK, it was not exactly a good environment in which to grow up. But I'll cover that in a different blog.

But after reading Nicole Lemelle's blog today (http://www.mynewnormals.com/should-be-enough/) it reminded me of my mother's philosophy. And I thank God that I didn't share her belief then or especially now.

I have generally taken the opposite approach - Celebrate even the small stuff because it will help get you through the hard stuff.

That has never served me better than now with my MS. I can have some really bad times. Days even. When I know I'm getting worse from both my further lack of abilities to the increasing pain. And yes, that does depress me.

But to get out of it I try to find something to smile and be happy about. I told you about them in my blog I titled My Blessings (http://mesmolinski.blogspot.com/2011/08/my-blessings.html ). I guess this blog is just another reminder of the good things I have.

But I think finding something - anything - to think and smile about is so important to everyone. I'd love to have one of those little poppers to shoot off when I needed to. But when I think of all of the mess it would make I'll just have to keep a mental video of one in my head.

My Blessings

I have found a message thread on PatientsLikeMe.com started for patents with SPMS and PPMS (Secondary and Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis). I have been looking forward each morning to read the latest posts.

And I have been aware of some new problems and pains recently and I woke up worried about them.

Although the two things above may sound unrelated, both of those thoughts lead to another and I began thinking of all of the blessings I have.

Of course there are those blessings I have always known and been thankful ...
- My Lord, My God and all that He has given me.
- My husband and son for whom there are no adjectives that come close to describing them
- Katherine, the fabulous woman who has added a half to my son that none of us realized he was missing until Katherine came into his life
- My family and incredible friends

But beyond all of that I know I have blessings about my MS. Although I only started having recognizable problems two years ago, within a year a had to use a walker and was diagnosed with a progressive form of MS.

But one of my blessings is that it is SPMS (Secondary Progressive) as opposed to PPMS (Primary Progressive), I am blessed that my symptoms have not continuously declined.

Other blessings I have found with my MS...
- I have to list Joe, my husband, here first again. He has been here for me since we met over 41 years ago. And I know he thinks I shouldn't have been surprised but he has stepped up to do everything more I need now. From major changes like doing all of the cooking and shopping to little things like making sure that there is always bottled water on the kitchen counter and re-arranging the kitchen cabinets so the things I need the most are now in one corner. I certainly would bore all of you if I listed even a quarter of the things that he does for me with my MS.

- My friends have stepped up so much. When Joe is out of town I can rely on them for rides to doctors and even special trips like going for lunch or manis and pedis, And if I can't seem to drag myself down to get the mail or the newspaper, it magically appears at my front door.

- But even with my MS, I know I'm blessed for the abilities I still have. I can get around the house with my walker and even some "wall walking". I still don't need help with most everyday activities. I can take care of myself and do it quite well even when Joe is out of town.

So instead of dwelling on my pains, problems and things I can no longer do, I prefer to focus on the blessings I have. I have known for quite a while that I am a problem solver. And this MS thing has just given me a few more problems for which I need to find solutions.

Learning how to smile

I've told one of my secrets to a few people lately. My niece-in-law was one of them. And yes, I know that is not a family identifier in true genealogy, but it should be.

It took me a long time, but I learned how to smile about things. With my MS, this really helps. But it helps in all parts of life. When things get you down. Or when you're angry. Whenever you need to start feeling better.

How? Stop and make a conscious effort to look around you or look at the situation. Look for something about it that makes you smile. If your child or spouse has made you angry, there has to be something about the situation that is actually funny or cute. Stop and concentrate for a minute on that part.

Then smile about it. And realize how good that smile feels. It's nice. Much nicer than being angry. This is the feeling you want to have.

It's the same when you're sad or depressed. It's actually easy with my MS. I look for the humor in my situation. Sure it's hard. But I can get some great one liners out of it. I can either choose to cry about it or laugh about it. Trust me, laughing feels a LOT better. And if you don't believe me, you haven't really tried it.

Our son once was so angry he literally put his fist through a wall. After making sure that he hadn't damaged his hand. We were all in stitches even while he was patching the wall. Laughing about how none of us realized he had gotten that strong. Wow - who knew a SWIMMER had it in him? We were glad he only used that strength on a wall! What did that wall do to deserve that? And through the humor, we made sure that he was well aware of the damage that much anger COULD have done. Wouldn't it have been better if he had found something to smile about before he got to the fist through the wall point?

And if you're having a fight with someone, suggest that you both stop for a minute to smile. Talking about the problem will be much easier after a good smile. Even if you're not smiling about the same thing.

I'm not saying that smiling will make everything go away. Of course it won't. Problems will still be there. And I definitely suggest professional counseling when it's needed. And for MS and clinical depression I do espouse drugs if a doctor feels they are needed.

But smiling helps get through the day by day problems. And besides, smiles really are contagious. I hope the one I have right now has caught on to you!

Life requires that you have to work hard - at something

It's Labor Day. So I decided to start my parenting advice. Actually it's more of "What I Want to Teach Children".

There are two axioms that somehow don't seem to go together. "If it wasn't hard it wouldn't be called WORK." and "If you have a job you love you won't work a day in your life." In some ways I think they are both true. But I have a third to add - "You have to work hard sometime in your life, it's up to you when that occurs."

I absolutely think being successful requires hard work. But there are too many people, kids especially, that think there must be an easy way. Oh, sure, there probably is for an incredibly few who are born into wealth or win the lottery. But even for today's superstars, they've had to put in a lot of work to get to where they are at. And that's the message that I want to teach to children.

I think it's important for kids to think of what they would like to be when they grow up. But I think it's more important to let them know what they have to do to get there. Sports stars, music stars and actors have to practice, practice, practice. But if they really want to keep their money after they make it, they really need to know about business and investments.

Fire fighters and police have to have some college if not a four year degree. Teachers and nurses of course need degrees. And doctors and lawyers need additional schooling.

Even if the job sounds ideal or easy, chances are it's going to take a lot of work to get there and kids should know that. In other words, make sure they know that they need to start working hard now in school so that learning won't be as hard later.

Let them know WHY they need to learn how to read. Even if it's so they can read their own multi-million dollar contract later. And math and science are used in everything. If something is on sale, what percent off is it really? And the internet is an incredible tool for find out "How do they do that?"

And most of all, let them know that working hard is not a bad thing. It's a necessary thing. It's much better to work hard and do something you love, rather than having to do hard work at something you hate for a long, long time.

If you're really religious, how can you hate anyone?

I know I'm lucky, but I just don't hate anyone. Oh, there are some people that I don't care to be with. And of course, there are always those people you would never want to meet. But I don't hate them.

For those of you that don't know me, I am a practicing Roman Catholic. I went to 13 years of Catholic schools. After lapsing for a few years, I chose to start attending church regularly again because it felt right for me again. I had been angry about a few things that I felt the Catholic Church condoned but I realized that I felt comfortable with most of the Catholic Church's teachings and I enjoy the rites and community.

But this is about claiming to be religious and yet hating people. I don't get it, no matter what religion you claim to follow! I'm certainly no expert on religions. I was lucky enough to attend at fairly progressive Catholic high school and we spent a year on comparative religions. But that only gave me knowledge the size of a grain of sand about many of the world's religions. I love reading and now love exploring the Internet. So it's given me good source of knowledge when I something sounds wrong and I want to check it out.

But to me, loving a God means respect for all that God has created. And respect and hate don't seem to fit together.

And does it matter what name you call your God? I really do believe in One God. And I really believe that everyone, no matter what religion, does as well. So what if we refer to God using different names? What's even stranger to me are religions that admittedly pray to the same God. Religions that have the same origin. And yet followers are so rapped up in the "mine is better than yours" that they don't even know or realize that "Their God" is exactly the same as "My God".

And please, please, please don't rationalize hate with the "they hate us so we hate them" speech. Do two wrongs ever make a right?

I know, many will say that I don't understand. That I'm naive. And they're right. As I said to start I don't hate and I don't understand hate. Luckily it was easy for me to learn. I wish everyone else would take some time to learn it as well. And maybe that just means learning more for yourself and not just relying on what "others" have to say.

I think my song list for the day will include "Imagine", "Why Can't We be Friends?"...

Talking to an Adult

Philosophy for the day:
Talking to an adult means being able to give them the facts and knowing that they will make the right decision instead of just telling them what you think they should do.

Being an adult means actually doing the right things rather than just the easiest thing.

I started thinking about this regarding my own son. But I quickly realized that this applied to everyone. Both the people I speak to and the ones who speak to me.

When you have a child you give that child direction. You tell them what to do. Most people, most of the time, try to tell that child why it should be done. Why? You want them to learn to make the same decision for themselves.

It's easy when they are very little... Don't touch the stove because it is hot and you'll get hurt. Stay with me in the store because you're too little to see where I've gone to if we get separated. As the adult you know the bad outcomes that may happen. You know that the outcome will upset or harm your child and of course, as an empathetic parent, will be hard on you too.

I have always told my son that my job was to raise him to be the best adult he could possibly be. That means that at some point he needs to make his own decisions. And anyone, especially me, should be able to rely that those decisions are the best possible for him at the time.

That means that I should just be able to give him information. Simply tell him that the family party is at 2 pm.

Wow, that can be a loaded one.

I could treat him more like a child. I could tell him what time he needs to leave his house in order to get there on time. Remind him that if he's going to be late or not be able to come that he has to call the family hosting the party. I could even feel the need to call him the night before to remind him about the party. Or even tell him what he should wear.

But if I trust that he is now an adult, I should understand that he knows all of that.

But being an adult carries it's own obligation. He must make the appropriate decision, not necessarily the easy decision. He may need to put the date and time into his own calendar. Or he may know that he has to work and won't be able to even make the party. Then his decision will be when to call to express his regrets.

In an adult to adult conversation he will also have to decide if he needs to tell me whether or not he'll be going. Will I be grilled if he doesn't show up? Will I be worried?

Should I even be worried? That would mean that I had made an assumption on his decision. Oh wait, I'm his mother. I worry about my child and may always do so. But then isn't that treating him like a child instead of adult?

As an adult he needs to take the necessary actions. Yes, he knows the stove is hot and may burn him. That means that he also knows to be vigilant around the stove. Don't put his hand on it forgetting that the burner is turned on. Even turn the pan handles inward so he doesn't accidentally spill the contents.

If we're shopping together, he needs to tell me before he wanders to a different department. I shouldn't have to wonder whether to stay where I'm at even if I'm done to wait for him to come back to wander myself to find him. If I he tells me and I'm actually done looking at something I can wander with him. Or I shouldn't assume that he knows that I need him to carry the item I'm buying and I need him to stay around. But I also shouldn't assume that he will stay with me even if it is boring him. Again, we're both adults.

Yes, talking to an adult means you BOTH have to be adult about it. And sometimes that just isn't so. I just hope my son doesn't mind me taking on the role of child once in a while.